So this is me. I was born to two amazing and wonderful parents. I have 5 siblings - yes 5, and my mom and dad are still together. I grew up in a middle class family and had a pretty great {average} life. I've never gone hungry, or been left in the cold. I went through the usual teenage crap and came out of it a happy, well balanced adult. Or so one would think. Yet for some reason, I suffer from anxiety. Even in my mind it sounds silly, so I can imagine what you are thinking. But at times in my life I have fainted, had chest pain and difficulty breathing, and been so dizzy that I had to pull my car over on the side of the road, or been unable to get my baby out of her crib because I couldn't walk down the stairs.
The first time the anxiety bubble burst was the day after this photo was taken. I was training to become a hemodialysis nurse in Edmonton and staying part of the time at my sister's house, and part time at my home in Wetaskiwin. My daughter Bailey was in kindergarten. The first week of training was intense, then that weekend my little nephew Jaxen came into the world. I didn't get a lot of rest because I was so excited about becoming an Auntie. I went back to training on Monday morning and passed out about an hour into the day. My instructor was convinced I was having a seizure, called an ambulance, and I ended up spending the rest of the day in the Emergency dept. at the U of A. I went back to training the next day {much to my instructors dismay}. By Friday, I was so dizzy thinking about the drive home that I almost passed out again. By the time I got home I was having chest pain and difficulty breathing. That weekend I was started on a course of anti-depressants to treat the anxiety I was experiencing. That lasted a year, and I depended on those pills way more than I ever thought I would, and looking back am so thankful. My marriage ended the following spring and I was able to be strong for my little girl. I stopped the pills that summer and thought there was no looking back. WRONG.
Fast forward a couple of years. I had met my husband, and settled into a new life. One that I always dreamed of, with family close by, and one in which above all I was going to be myself. I loved it and was so happy. Yet, one day, my two month old baby was downstairs in her crib fussing, and I was standing at the top of the stairs so dizzy I couldn't imagine walking down there. Let alone, picking her up and carrying her anywhere. I called one of my best friends who luckily lived close by. She rushed over and I called my husband. The only words I could speak to him were "You need to come home now." We took our baby to her grandma and went to the Dr. who promptly told me I needed to start medication. I really didn't want to do that again. Coming off of the medication was so hard. I decided I was going to get through it without this time. And for awhile I did. I filled the year with exercise, training for a walk that meant the world to me. I was sure I was free and clear. But as the end of my year off came closer, I began to worry about going back to work and all that comes with that, and then my Grandpa got sick and it boiled over again.
If you are still reading this, thanks for hanging in there!! I will try to keep the rest as short as I can...
During the drive to and from Montana to get my Grandpa's illness sorted out and get him home, I started having to take Ativan to make it through the day. I was constantly dizzy. I finally ended up caving and going on a different medication to treat the anxiety. It didn't work. Then I had to switch medications. During the past 5 years (yes, my baby turned 5 in November!) I have been on two different medications and had the dosages adjusted FOUR times. Most of the time my symptoms are managed. I can live my everyday life that I still love so much with few problems. But my cup is full. Its always almost full. And as soon as anything extra comes along, it spills out over the sides and leaves me a mess. Living with anxiety sucks. The real kicker is, I have a wonderful life, why can't I just enjoy it?
I do my best everyday.
~Michelle
